I think I like this guy in my class. But the thing is, I don't know. Crazy isn't it. I don't know if I like him, yet I think I do. I'm just so confused.
This is driving me crazy. Maybe I should drop love all together. After all, I'm basically psychotic. What guy in their right mind would like me?
I don't know what to do anymore. I get so distracted. I need to get my act together. Maybe I would find my Prince Charming someday.
I've had crushes before. I'm not shy about admitting that Mikey's my first crush. But the thing is, I don't expect them to respond. I do my own thing. I like having a crush, looking forward to see them at school and everything. But I don't want a serious relationship. At least not yet.
It's easier if we remained friends. So much chaotic and dramatic stuff happens to my friends who've dated. They've been hurt. They've CRIED over guys. They ditch their friends for the boys. I don't want to be like that. I want to stay true to myself. I'm not about to change who I am for some boy. True, for a relationship to work, both sides have to change a bit. But not now. I'm still young. I don't want to go through all that hurt because I know that if I do, it will take a long time for me to recover.
I love my friends to death. It hurts me to see their boyfriends hurt them that way, knowing I can't do anything for them.
One of my friends keep on saying that they want to have a boyfriend. I keep on telling them no. But what can I do? I don't control them. A lot of things have been going on. But I don't tell them. Why? Because I don't want them to worry. I don't want to become a burden.
Some people think they know me. But the truth is, they don't. They act all high and mighty, all arrogant. But they don't know. They don't know my past. They know who I choose to show them. I am not who I seem. My friends see me as a fun-loving, playful girl. That I only love dogs. That I don't care about anything else. That I am very childish. They don't know me. Those who see me like that, don't know me at all. That's the person I choose to show them. I can be shy, I can be bold. It all really depends on who I choose to show them.
In all those books about high school drama and all, I never believed that there was such a thing. But now, I do. High school FILLED with drama. I've tried to avoid it. And it comes sitting on my doorstep. She's new at the school, but she doesn't act like it. I feel that she uses us to climb to the top of the social ladder. She's pretending to go out with another friend of mines to draw attention. They find it funny, but for a lot of us, it's getting old. I can't stand it. It's really bothering me. I like them both, but sometimes, there's a line to things. And for her, she can't see it. She can't feel the line. She crosses it over and over. We act like we don't care because we don't want to hurt her. But for us, it's painful. For me, I feeling so much pressure. I act like I don't care. I really don't care about anything anymore. I don't care if I fail or succeed. This is too much. I can't see straight anymore.
What is going on with my life? I've been losing control. I've been losing my grip so so much. I snap at my friends. I deliberately yell at the guy I like. My once well controlled self, is now slowly slipping away. I want it back. I NEED it back. I cannot possible ACT normal. Act like myself anymore. This is too much. I want to leave. I want to be as far as I can away from her and the drama. I'm not saying I hate her. I'm just tired. Tired of everything and everyone. I want someone I can talk to, someone that can just sit and listen. All my girl friends will try to comfort me. Some guy friends don't care. Other guys, I'm just not that close to them. For me to continue on w/ my life, I will need a listener. Someone who can sit and just listen.
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