What if...

Have there ever been a time when all you wanted to do is wish you did something else? The "What if...?" after a bad situation...Though it might not always be bad.

But most of the time, the what ifs? are the ones you wish you did do. Like "What if we left earlier? Then she wouldn't have died." Regrets. Sadness. Guilt. All those are part of the what ifs.

Why is it that most of the time, the ones you don't really realize you treasure and will miss be gone first? I didn't realize how much she was to us until she went away.

I really wish I spent more time with her. That I didn't tease her that much. That I actually took care of her. That we gave her love that she wanted so much. The way she was left us...was unimaginable.

What if we arrived to the hospital earlier? What if we left to the courts instead of eating a bite first? What if we didn't even go outside? What if...what if...

They tell me it was meant to be. That she knew her time was up. But still, I'd rather her go peacefully. Not the way she did. What if I left before this happened? What if...

They tell me it's not my fault. That I couldn't have prevented this from happening. But I know I could've. I could've held her. I could've kept her inside. I could've...But I didn't. And guess what? Now she's gone.

The thing is, I still can't register that she's gone forever. Not just temporary. I'll never seen her again. Never hear her greet us. Never see her smiling face and wriggling body. Never again...

Sabrina, rest in peace. We'll miss you. I hope that in your next life, you'll be much happier. And be loved more than you were loved here. We miss you. R.I.P

Memory of the Olden Days

Gosh, the title makes me feel so old. But lately, there are some songs that reminded me of my childhood days and the difference it is between the childhood and teenage life. SO different.

Blue Tomorrow by Super Junior M is a GREAT song that made me think of how much I've changed since I was...5. Back then, all the music I heard was from the radio. Not so much time on the internet. Behind the Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson was my favorite song. Still is. Hilary Duff from Lizzie Mcguire. All those were part of my childhood.

The days when all I worried about was whether or not I had a good dinner. When all I cared about was Sunny. I didn't care what others thought of me. I didn't worry about homework and my future.

But as the days come quicker, years go by faster, and my future charging forward to meet me head to head, I start getting scared. I don't want to grow up this quickly. Half my friends already have SOME idea of what they want to do once they graduate. Me? I'm still clueless.

I want to try EVERYTHING. But things don't happen that way. "How many ten years are there in a lifetime?" Not enough.

Things fall apart. My friends, they're still "friends". But if you look closely, you can see that we aren't as closely knit as before. My music, my favorite bands. Super Junior - Hangeng left. Kibum's missing. Kangin's halfway in jail. DBSK - three members are set on leaving. And Fahrenheit, my first band, my inspiration, the one who led me onto this Kpop scene. Is both at fault and is not. Fault? My life is falling apart b/c I'm in this Kpop scene. I'm so ADDICTED to all this, I'm losing who I am inside. But Fahrenheit helped me connect to my roots. I learned their songs. Listened to the language. It helped me improve my Chinese.

But all this troubles, is it just me feeling it? I've tried MANY ways to help my friends remend our broken link. It's fallen onto death ears. We're all just sitting there, but we don't have that closeness anymore. I don't know who I am anymore either. I'm just another person, one who everyone finds adorable and amusing, but that's not exactly who I am. But because it's like that, I can't change. I act different, people ask me if something's wrong. I say nothing, they don't believe me.

I start seeing things different. I see everyone's flaws instead of their good traits. I cannot concentrate on anything anymore. I'm SO obsessed with this blogging. With this connection with people I've never even seen and don't even know. I'm ignoring everyone beside me. I'm glued to the computer.

When I was young, this never happened. But what now? Because of all the troubles OUTSIDE, in the real world, my mind turns to intangible things. To keep my mind off the mess I've created, to distract myself from reality. I'm not facing it. I have big dreams. But they're never completed. My stories? My fanfics? My site? It's all dying. Slowly. Because I'm so obsessed with keeping up with the race to the Kpop criminal scene. To all the first news. From now on, I'm going to back away.

Blogging, I'm going to keep. Reading about Kpop news, I'm going to cut back. Watching kpop shows, I'm going to stop. But who knows? I've fallen into such a habit that it's basically IMPOSSIBLE to stop.

I've quit Facebook. Maybe I can do the same with my addiction to Kpop. If it happens, the things I've worked so hard to build will be gone. What is this? 人生有幾多的十年啊？我應該做我想做的事吧．可是每次我說我要做，我都沒有哦．

如過我可以變成以前一樣，也留者我現在的我，那就會變得最好．大家，這應該我最後的entry. 可是我知道我會回來的。如過我不回來，那就是再見了。

Week's Almost OVER!!!

After a long agonizing... okay I'm lying. This week hasn't been that bad. Teacher PMSing and some other things...but over all, it's pretty bearable. =D

So we're doing this movie thing in Mandarin. TOTALLY awesome. =D It'll be a "Visiting Friend" skit. So my friends and I are going to go EXTREMELY crazy.

Dude, it's going to be hilarious. We'll continue on with even better. So this will be for our grade. But if this is successful, we'll make our own gameshow. =D

We kinda already started hit, with throwing shoes up onto the roof and so on. We've invented games, wasted time in English to discuss what to play.

All we needed was an excuse to do it. Now we have it. What have we got to lose?

JYP is lying...Jaebeom being framed?

What is going on?

First of all, I just read that JYP and 2PM decided to throw Jay out after several months of decision. Now, KHottests are saying that JYP is lying and that he made up all of this to cover the "slave contract" post on Jay's myspace.

I'm so confused. What is really going on?

Park Jaebeom left Korean 4 days after his Myspace controversy came up and he received death threats. He left on a temporary HIATUS. But now, JYP is kicking Jay out permanently due to "even worse issues" that Jay did during the Again and Again promotions. During the press conference, JYP didn't state what Jay's "worse doing" was but said that it was a "private matter". If it was private, why in the world would he throw it out there?

For more people to bash and hate Jay so that he can't have a future in the entertainment industry anymore?

Ever since Jay left 2PM all their sales and fans diminished. I have this feeling that the rest of the 2PM boys have no idea that Jay's been banished forever. Just before this conference, they were saying how happy that Jay's going to come back and all that.

Could it be the post on JYP offering him a slave contract (for 10 years) on his Myspace with the "I Hate Koreans, They are gay" post? It might be, because after this controversy came up, JYP released a statement that they are different from other entertainment companies because they "don't have" the slave contracts.

Are these all lies? What will become of 2PM? Will they be 1:59PM forever, unable to count to 60 and turn into 2PM?

What Bipolar Weather!

All day today, the weather has been going on and off. It's sunny out, but then it's raining. It's not a speck or two. It's coming down kinda hard. So suddenly, I look up from my computer (like right now) and guess what I see?

Yep, a rainbow. GORGEOUS!!! <3 The sun's right behind me, so it's like a perfect view. I would take a picture...but it's fading away already. T_T There's still faint outline, but you wouldn't notice it if you saw it. Spent a VERY relaxing weekend. Wrote a long long 'post' for something else. Have lotsa homework to do. Some other things.

Oh yeah! SS Entertainment is recruiting, so...if you're interested, audition! =D

2009 was a bad year. What about 2010?

2009 was a bad year. Why? Well, let's see.

1) Earthquakes. The first bad one was May 12, 2009, in China. Then it continued and ended with Haiti's bad earthquake that basically destroyed it.

2) Bad year for Korean bands. I have a LOT to say about this. First of all, G-dragon's plagiarism. DBSK's lawsuit. Kangin's barfight. Hankyung suing SM. It was a bad year for mainly boy bands.

3) School problems. Little do you know, when you look back to all the "troubles" you had in elementary school or even middle school, they seem so MINOR compared to what I face now. Currently, things are better, but still, it's not the best. WAAAY back, the most I had to worry about was whether or not I got a good lunch. ;D

Now? It's EVERYTHING. It's SO troublesome.

T_T This is depressing me. I shall not go further into it. Bye bye.

楊皓靈：人真的很難做

你知道嗎？有時候，我覺得有朋友比沒有朋友好。可是，現在，我覺得沒朋友是很好的。

我有個朋友，她非常奇怪。有時候，她是很開心的。 有時候，她想殺人。這個星期一，她突然不利我。我跟她説話，她就不開心的樣子對這我。我真的不知道我該做什麽。

應該是我上個星期五對她說的東西。我對她說，說，她不應該生[阿裏劄]气。已經是去年的事。她對我說：我知道了。可是現在，她好像什麽人都不喜歡。我是她的好朋友，可是有時候，我真的想打醒她，叫她醒醒。

這個世界，有很多人你會不喜歡的。我和你一樣。有很多人我都很不喜歡的。可是，我願意不利他們。因爲我知道，如過我那麽容易生气的，我會被人騗的。

我只可以説話。人是你做的。我不可以教你怎麽做人。我只想提醒你： “人生有多少個十年了？”