we fall, we get up, it goes on....

We are weak. We are strong. We fall, we get up. We get down, we get happy. In the end, life still goes on.

It still hurts sometimes. To be honest, it hurts a lot still. Sometimes, I just get so tired, so exhausted from fighting. Worn out from trying to be strong, from pretending, from acting like everything is okay.



Tears streamed down her face as she listened held the phone to her ear. She tried to hold back sobs as he told her that he didn't love her anymore, that there is someone else he wants. Her heart shattered into pieces as he said, "I want to be with her." She tried so hard to open up to him; he promised to be there when she lets her walls down. Only the whole time, he was tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for her to let him in. But the thing is, this whole time, she was waiting for that one question from him, that one question: "Would you be my girlfriend?" All the little signals she sent him, all the little messages, the notes, the songs, the smiles, the hugs, everything, went unnoticed by him. She tried so hard...only in the end, it was useless.

I want to step away from it all. Just step right off, right off the edge, and fall. Let myself fall through the sky, and keep falling. If it hurts so much already, why not just end it? Have one final hurt and be done.

To give up...would be giving in to the pain. But to fight it...would increase the pain...

Desperation. Weariness. Broken. Empty. All those were feelings she felt when he told her. When he said those words to her, she died. The once proud strong woman she was broke. She fell apart. Destroyed. Like glass being dropped on a concrete floor, she shattered. Her posterior cracked wide open. Doing the only thing she knew how to do, she brushed it off like it was nothing, laughing when he told her, saying it was alright, that she is okay. She told him it hurt, but that she is already moving on. His sigh of relief was heard clearly on the other side of the phone. She could hear him breathing easier, hearing a smile in his voice when he talked to her, already moving on. On the other hand, even though she put a smile on her face, a laugh in her voice, the very core of her was empty. Dead. She smiled bitterly to herself, tears rolling down her face slowly, as she listened to him talk excitedly about what plans they were going to do. He already moved on from the lover relationship to friends. He was in love with someone else now. She was the past. Only a friend...

I talk about other guys, laughing when I mention their name, watching your face as I introduce you to them. I am hoping that you would have a reaction, a sigh of remorse, a morsel of sadness. I talk about how amazing they are, how great they treat me. Yes, they treat me well and care for me, but I am not completely over you yet. I can't just go with someone just because I lost you. I like him, but I loved you. You were my first love, the first guy I trusted enough to let in.Where does this leave us now? Can we really just be friends? Where do all the feelings I had for you go? What do I do with them?

This past year, past month, I learned so much. Opening up, showing my feelings. I was never one to wear my heart out on my sleeve. I kept it close to me, fearful of losing it, fearful of hurting it, hurting me. Maybe it was because of that, I lost you. I tried too hard to not fall in love with you, tried too hard to hide. You tried too, you really did. I just want to let you know that I tried to, in the sorry, sad little way I tried. I was new at it; I did not have any idea what to do. I gave you the CD in hopes that you would understand; to this day, you still have not listened to it. The note I left for you is too late now; you have already left me...and I...I am not bitter. I really am not. I just wish that you knew how much of an impact you have on me when you say you can't hang out because you want to plan a date with her. I grew up learning that friends were the most important things; that was the reason why I gave you up. I would rather keep you as my best friend than lose you forever. But that is not the case for you.I will never forget the memories we had together. My first dance with you, the presents you gave me, the poems and songs you wrote for me. I will treasure them forever, keeping them safe. The words and promises you whispered in my ear, the emails containing so much intimacy and love, the texts that promised me so much. All of them will be with me forever, even if you will not.

With a single deep breath, she inhaled the cold, winter air. With a quick brush of the sleeve across her eyes, she wiped away the tears that rolled down her face. She pushed the memories of the past away, looked into the setting sun for a new beginning. She deleted all the texts messages from before, from before all of this happened. She pushed the thoughts of them together away. The picture of them together was pushed face down. She picked up all the presents he gave her; they went into an old box where she put them in the closet, far in the back. It was time for her to move on.

He called her just then; she glanced at the screen, seeing his face smiling up at her, the name across the screen reading "My Love". She turned away from it...only to come back and answer it a few seconds later. He chattered excitedly about his day to her, telling her about all he has done. Noticing she had gone quiet, he asked her what was wrong. Her automatic reply was, "Nothing", but she knew that wasn't true. She told him the truth: I want space. I need to move on. Please, give me time. Don't contact me.

With those few words, she hung up the phone. Immediately, it started ringing again. With a final sigh, she picked up the phone and took the battery out. On the way out the door, she tossed the battery into a trashcan and left the house. She was done, she was moving on.

To let go...is to be fearless...to be strong...to be unafraid...

I became stronger by opening up. You were right, my love. In order to be independent, you first need to be dependent. In order to learn how to love, you need to be willing to try. Even if you get hurt, you only get stronger. As much as I want to say I hate you, I don't. I will never hate you because you taught me so much. You treated me right; we just weren't meant for each other.

I have no idea whether is is goodbye or is it letting go. I want to do both. I don't want to do either. Yet as of now, all I want is for everything to step away and let the quiet in. I need time to think, time to recover, time to heal. If you really did love me, please, don't make it harder than it already is.