Sleep Forever

Don't you ever feel that way? That you just want to sleep forever, letting everything go. Or, just drop everything and leave? Never looking back, never reminiscing, just letting it all go. You never have to worry about a thing again.
It will be peaceful. Quiet. Calm.

All the pain and worries will be gone. Never will tears fall because of someone. Never will angry words be exchanged. Troubles will disappear. Everything will be fine.

But is that what I really want? I spend hours thinking about him, dreaming about what could be, when in reality, I know it is not
possible.



I'm not who he thinks I am. I'm not that sweet, nice girl who is always there for everyone. I'm not the cheerful, bubbly one who always has a smile on her face. True, that is who I am on the outside. But the inside?
I'm afraid to let anyone in because it makes me feel too vulnerable.
I am a really independent person; I rarely ever rely on anyone else. Even if I do, I always have a way out. Yet for the first time ever, I am venturing into untouched territory.

























That scares me, terrifies me. What will I become if I am exposed? I don't feel safe. I NEED the walls up. I need barriers to keep people out. Some people say, "We build walls to not keep others out but to see who cares enough to break them down."

I say I am doing this because it's my defense mechanism. I keep people away, I am safe.

Keep people away so they cannot see through me.

I have always been really strong. Friends lean on me for support. I naturally reach out to help people.

But why isn't there anyone for me when I need them?

I hate feeling that I need to lean on someone. But I do want to be cared about, to be cherished. I don't like feeling needy.

I want someone to hold me close, to love me, to be there for me.

To me, he is amazing. He's perfect. He's always there for me when I need him or when I just want to hear his voice. Never has he failed me...

But now, I am falling for him. I'm falling faster than I have ever fallen.

I'm scared that he won't be there to catch me. Then I would hit the ground and shatter. I know it will happen. And I'm scared. I want to be more than friends, but I don't know if he feels that way. He has hinted to me that he does, but I just don't know how to let my walls down.

Right when I plan to try and let him in, someone else calls for help. Being the amazing boy he is, he never faltered to help her. I can only sit and watch as he comforts her, talking to her, caring for her. I watch with a smile on my face even as my heart is breaking inside. I know it isn't right for me to feel this way, especially since she really needs support. Yet I cannot help feeling a panic that I am losing him.

My walls go back up. My heart turns to ice. I put a smile on my face and tell them to have fun hanging out together. I know they like each other as friends, but it may be possible for them to be more.
They were always more comfortable with each other than he and I ever will be. Maybe it is the time to let him go. They can and will be happy with each other. And I will always be there for both of them, my friend and the boy that I love.