New Beginning, New Life

It's a brand new year. A brand new day. New things mean new beginnings. New beginnings...this means to change my way of life.

 

To be truthful, I've posted a lot of drafts for new posts...but I have never gotten around to finishing it. I think that maybe, I might not want to blog on this blog anymore; it's a thing of the past. I've grown up so much since last year. I've been through a lot and I've matured a lot. I not longer try to hold on to the past. I've truly let it go. Whatever happens will happen. The more I tried to hold on, tried to maintain it in my memories, the more unhappy I became. I was in a hole and I tried to keep on digging...it only got me deeper. I couldn't get out.

Finally Free

You know that feeling when you simply don't care anymore? Not the "giving up" feeling, but the one where everything can just happen and it won't affect you. At least, it won't affect you emotionally.

That's when you are finally free. Free of what, it doesn't matter. You can be free of school work, free of drama, free to do whatever you want. It doesn't matter what you are free of, as long as you are free. That is when you truly start living.

I was looking through old text messages and letters from an old flame of mine and that was when I realized...I just didn't care what it had to say. I was able to extract myself from the emotional mess of a circle I've been in for the past many months and finally see the world clear for the first time. That feeling...it was powerful. It was empowering. I was in control of myself. I was in control.

No more emotional rollercoasters for me. No more sudden mood swings, little things that reminded me of him. I deleted all messages. I erased his existence from my phone. From my computer. From my life. That feeling was amazing.

Done

It's been over a month already. Done with high school; I am officially a graduate. That feeling is just so awesome. It really is.

It's also been a long time since the whole boy and best friend thing. My last blog post was about that; it's done with and gone now. Onto the next chapter in life. New start, new project.

It's about time I've done something fun, something for myself only. I got an amazing grad and 18th birthday present from my family, a gorgeous Nikon d5100. Now that is my baby. Thing is, where should I take photos? What should I take them of? I've had an online portfolio of some of my works for some time, but other than that, all I have is junk on my desktop that I have yet to clean up. Trust me, it's a mess.

we fall, we get up, it goes on....

We are weak. We are strong. We fall, we get up. We get down, we get happy. In the end, life still goes on.

It still hurts sometimes. To be honest, it hurts a lot still. Sometimes, I just get so tired, so exhausted from fighting. Worn out from trying to be strong, from pretending, from acting like everything is okay.

Moving On

Friends. Boys. Friends. Boys. Friends. Boy. Friend. Boy. Boy. Friend.

I woke up this morning, having Sara Evans' song, A Little Bit Stronger, playing through my head.
"Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain..."

But I knew I was moving on over him. Broken hearts, broken friendship, just plain broken in general.
I loved you. I really did. I still do. Whatever happens, you will always have a special place in my heart. But now we have established a middle ground; we are going to be the best of friends. It hurts still, knowing you are gone, that you don't love me anymore...but it is all going to be okay.

I love you, good bye.

Opening up to someone is depending on someone else, letting them into your life, allowing them to know your secrets. Since a child, I have always been taught to be independent, that I don't need to depend on anyone else but myself. That was how I always functioned; I dealt with problems by myself and I was secure. I was protected.

Until I met you...you taught me how to love.

You got me to open my heart, let my walls down. I let you in. I showed you my world, my insecurities, my fears. You were my everything. I could tell you anything and everything I wanted because I know you would always be there for me.

Sleep Forever

Don't you ever feel that way? That you just want to sleep forever, letting everything go. Or, just drop everything and leave? Never looking back, never reminiscing, just letting it all go. You never have to worry about a thing again.
It will be peaceful. Quiet. Calm.

All the pain and worries will be gone. Never will tears fall because of someone. Never will angry words be exchanged. Troubles will disappear. Everything will be fine.

But is that what I really want? I spend hours thinking about him, dreaming about what could be, when in reality, I know it is not
possible.